Vagina – the Gift that Keeps on Giving

Dec 15th, 2009 | By | Category: Retro Blog, Risque

Christmas Bush - for your Tree

Christmas Bush - for your Tree

Years ago I asked for a tampon for Christmas. After all, you could go swimming with a tampon – you could go horseback riding. It all sounded like so much fun!

But alas, no tampon for me, because boys have penises and girls have vaginas. I had no idea what a vagina was then. As far as I was concerned, girls had cooties, and it was no fair that they got all the tampons.

Now that I’m older, I’m glad I’m a man. I don’t want to subscribe to Menses Monthly, but I think it’s important to appreciate the vagina, which is why I’ve taken the time to find simply the best vagina gift ideas for this holiday season.

And yes, I know the difference between vagina and vulva. I’ll be using vagina, because the word vulva is too much like Volvo, and well, a Volvo is just a box.

 

Vagina Furniture

My favorite is the Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch, featured on the Best of Craigslist.

For Sale – beautiful pink “vagina couch” that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5′ 3″ long, 3′ 3″ wide at the middle, and stands 2′ 3″ tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home! Call Willow at [deleted] or reply to posting.

Comfortable Vagina Loveseat

Comfortable Vagina Loveseat

Detailed View

Detailed View

I also like this bedside table. Designed by Dutch cabinet maker, Mario Phippona, and displayed in November 2006 at Amadeus Art gallery in Berlin, it features a drawer that opens when one pushes a button inside the vagina.

Opens at the Push of a Button!

Button, Button - Where's the Button?

Then there are some things that just seem silly, like this Bride Bear Stuffed Animal Lamp with Oversized Handcrafted Graphic Vagina.

You have to be Effing Kidding Me!

You have to be Effing Kidding Me!

Costumes/Clothing

Who you calling a pussy?

Who you calling a pussy?

No need to buy a big pink parka, vagina costumes are readily available. And they’re not just for Halloween. Why you can go to the local dive and sing karaoke in one!

Check out this fine vagina hat.

Douche Not Included

Douche Not Included

Accessories

There are a plethora of furry purses out there. Why not carry your special things in one? Lipstick? It’s in your vagina. Spare change? Hand lotion? Yep. Carded at the club? Reach into your vagina and whip out your ID. Someone pestering you? Smack them upside the head with your vagina! You can’t go wrong.

Stylin' Purse

Stylin' Purse

And here’s a lovely ring, complete with a small pearl.

Vagina Ring With Pearl

Vagina Ring With Pearl

See a Show! ~ The Vagina Monologues

The Vagina Monologues

The Vagina Monologues

The Vagina Monologues is made up of a varying number of monologues read by a varying number of women (initially, Eve Ensler performed every monologue herself, with subsequent performances featuring three actresses, and more recent versions featuring a different actress for every role). Every monologue somehow relates to the vagina, be it through sex, love, rape, menstruation, mutilation, masturbation, birth, orgasm, the variety of names for the vagina, or simply as a physical aspect of the body. A recurring theme throughout the piece is the vagina as a tool of female empowerment, and the ultimate embodiment of individuality.

The production has been staged internationally, and a television version featuring Ensler was produced by cable TV channel HBO. In 1998, Ensler and others, including Willa Shalit, a producer of the Westside Theatre production, launched V-Day, a global non profit that has raised over $50 million for women’s anti-violence groups through benefits of The Vagina Monologues.

Personally, I don’t understand the whole monologue bit, since vaginas are always together. They don’t even go to the restroom alone!

Vagina Puppets

Not to be left out, Tyra Banks had her very own vagina show, featuring an awesome vagina puppet.

Sorry – this video has been removed. The YouTube copies were made private.
It’s here along with a few related videos.

Also, there’s this: A Dozen Lessons from Tyra’s Vagina

What’s that you say? You must have your very own vagina puppet? No problem.

Vagina Puppet from houseochicks.com

Vagina Puppet from houseochicks.com

Vagina de Guadalupe Candle

Vagina de Guadalupe Candle

Vagina de Guadalupe Candle


Oh no they didn’t! Oh yes, they did. The lovely and somewhat irreverent candle comes with (no pun intended) it’s very own poem/prayer:

Oh Mother and Queen
Vagina de Guadalupe
Accept this candle as an
offering of my devotion to
your most sacred Power.

I ask that your
spiritual secrets be revealed
to the world. May the Light
of your Sex and the
Brilliance of your Female Spirit miraculously manifest
the beauty of the Women
and Power of Women and the Vision of Women into the consciousness of the World.

Deliver me to my passion
Deliver me to my brilliance
Deliver me to my intelligence
Deliver me to my ability to create
Deliver me to my depth
Deliver me to my nobility
Deliver me to my power to heal
Deliver me to my sacred essence

Awesome Vagina Song!

My personal fave vag song.

Coloring Book

The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas

Okay – who has the pink?

The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas promises an abundance of styles, smooth – coiffed, pierced, soft-spoken and in-your-face. Endorsed by Annie Sprinkle.

Great comments on the Amazon page. Thanks to Charity F. for sharing.

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2 comments
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  1. Your mom was upset by this? Forget it, I will be your mom now.

  2. Sweet! That reminds me, I need to reread the Theban plays.

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